It’s nearly 2 years since my daughter died. If anything, this year has been harder than the first. I read somewhere that this is not unusual. Things have moved on, but without her. I feel further away from her. And I hate that. It’s so painful. I miss her so much. I hate her being a memory and not part of my life. I hate looking at her photographs and having to conjure her up. I hate not hearing her voice. I miss her company and her down to earth advice. I am choosing to make my memories of her as she was before the final episodes of increasingly poor physical and mental health. She was wise and funny. She’d sort me out.
Things aren’t this bad all the time. I’m here writing this because the last few weeks have been very hard. It’s Christmas isn’t it. And New Year. And the 2nd anniversary of her death is looming. Now I can say ‘my daughter died last year’. On 31st January it will be ‘my daughter died two years ago’. She is getting further away. Most of the time we’re doing very well. I’m working again and enjoying it. We have moved house and live in the town centre and are taking advantage of all that it offers. DS is now taller than me. He has started at senior school and academically is doing very well but he’s a quieter boy than he used to be. I have no way of knowing how much this is due to adolescence and how much is what he has been through. He never mentions his sister.
CHD mum 
You are always on the edge of my thoughts, and at the centre of them as the turn of the year places fresh measures of significant time (I remember the turn of the century being very hard for my friends in the heart world and my sisters whose children had died,) Love xxxx
It is very common for the 2nd year to be harder than the first. The permanence of her absence really sets in by that time. Everyone is so concerned about getting through all the “firsts” without their loved one that when that year is over they are left feeling, “what now?” It was the same way with me too. The not being able to say “she died last year” felt like I was getting further and further away from my daughter too. Now it’s been 5 years and some of the pain has numbed but I think that I will always be in pain during the holidays and other special days such as birthdates and angelversaries.
One thing that helped me a LOT during that 2nd year was something that another angel mom said to me. She said that instead of thinking that each day takes me further away from her that I should think that each day takes me closer to seeing her again. Even if you don’t have a strong belief about what happens after we die, I would hope that you could find some type of comfort knowing that she still exists somewhere and that you will be able to see her again one day.
Much love and hugs to you. I think of you often. ❤
Thanks for finding the strength to write. After this notification came I went back to the beginning. Except it was not really the beginning just the beginning of the blog. Wanting to reply but unable to say any words. Too many forget that life is a party to be thrown. Love always.
I think about her and all of you often. Sending love for 2016 x